I am a very shy person. For those who know me, that statement doesn't come as a surprise. As far as I can remember, I have always been shy. It may be one reason why I have never married. I am afraid of relationships getting serious. I have learned to put on a front around people I don't know. And if I seem aloof to a person, it isn't that I am. It is because I'm shy. I am more comfortable being around myself than to be around others.
So, when the drama bug bit me in 1971, I was shocked just like everyone else. I found that I could be someone else on a stage and be pretty good at it. If I was on that stage as me, it was a whole different ballgame. I had started public speaking in high school. I learned how to speak before an audience. The words came out of my mouth, but I tried to not make eye contact with the audience. I didn't want to see them seeing me. By being an actor, I had to maneuver around that fear. I also came to find out that many other actors shared my fear. The fear manifested itself in different ways. It was the fear of messing up. I found that to be true in the 4th grade, when I messed up my lines in a Christmas play at school. Or, when I messed up my lines in a Christmas play at church in 1970. It was also the fear of the audience not liking my performance. It was also the fear of being on a stage, and people looking at me.
In 1972, I was given the male lead of a play at the last minute. The other actor had left school just a few days before opening night. I knew the lines, but I also knew that the play depended on me doing a good job. It was the first time I had gotten a lead in a play. I cut my classes and crammed for it. On opening night, I was sitting backstage in terror. The other actors were supportive, but I had to perform. I found a dark corner and prayed. I asked God, "Please let me do a good job. Please take away my fears. Give me clarity of mind and may someone in the audience like what I do." I felt a calmness come over me. I went out on stage and did what I had to do. I didn't get a particularly good review from the theatre critic of the local newspaper, but the next night was better.
After that, I prayed the same prayer before every performance I did. Before every play. Before every time I had to do public speaking as me. Before every movie or TV role. My acting and public speaking talents are God-given to me. He knows how I can use my life experiences to be a better actor or public speaker. Prayer works.
Even though I pray before going out on stage, there is the human side of doubt and that brings me to stage fright. I have always been afraid of going out there. For example, I don't like to eat a full meal before going on stage, because I get sick to my stomach with fear. I am a nervous wreck. So, there are rituals I do before making an entrance. These rituals have evolved over time, and I have added some along the way. I use the same makeup towel. It may or may not have ever been washed. Let me just say that it can stand up on its own. I do exercises before going on stage. I do vocal exercises, where I make noises that make no sense. I also recite the alphabet forwards and backwards. I do physical exercises by tensing and relaxing muscles. I try and get the stress out of my body by moving around my legs, fingers and shoulders. To get energy going, I jump up and down. A woman at a church thought I was being charismatic, but the director assured her that I was just warming up. Then, I get in a place away from everyone else and run through the first couple of lines to myself and say my prayer. When I go out on stage, all of that fear is channeled into energy. My talents kick in. After the play is over, I go backstage to take off my makeup. I use the same remover--Merle Norman cold cream. It is part of my ritual.
I will get praise from my acting work. People will tell me how great I was. If they saw me backstage before that performance, they would see this guy who is a mess. My mother used to tell me how shocked she was to see me on stage that first time. Who was this shy person? I ask the same question. I am an actor. I know how to be an actor. I know all of the mechanics on what to do on stage. I am not me. If one sees me out in public, I may be acting still. That's what I do.
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