Question

  I have been struggling with a question:  Who Am I?  It is pretty easy for someone to answer that question about me, but it is very difficult for me to answer it about myself.  It really depends on who you ask, and what part of my life have they known me.  I have friends from 60+ years ago, and some I have recently met.  I hate first impressions.  I also hate assumptions.  For those who have known me a long time, they may not know everything about me.  I have tried for the last ten years, that I have been writing my life story on this blog, to explain who I was and am now.  By devoting the majority of my life to creating a persona that people will like, it makes it very complicated for me to know who I really am as a person.  Some of that persona involved masks.  Some of it involved being different characters.  Some of it involved not being true to myself and others.  So, let's peel back the onion that is my life.

 Some have seen me as a churchgoing person.  I grew up in the church from the day I was born, literally.  My father was a minister, and my mother was a Sunday School teacher.  That part of my life afforded me with some opportunities that others didn't have.  I guess you could say I was blessed to have a family like I had.

 I was also a hippie.  I was an anti-war activist during the Vietnam War era. Just ask the FBI and CIA about that. I did drugs and got drunk a lot.  There were times that I don't know how I got home or how I didn't get arrested.

 I was (and still am) a writer.  I wrote commercials, poems, dramas, short stories, a partial novel, puppet shows, songs, and some blogs.  In many ways, those things were an escape for me from the hardships of life.  I also found that I could communicate to others in a meaningful way.  

 Some people perceived me as a great actor.  I am not going to argue that impression of me.  I can't do that much anymore due to my loss of stamina, but it also helped me escape into a character other than myself.  

 Thanks to learning a trade, I became a retail genius.  Everything I touched and sold in retail stores was a success.  My bosses liked me for doing it, but maybe not enough to pay me for what I was worth to them.  

 There are some things I am not proud of.  I hurt some people.  I could not have a real relationship with women, because I was afraid of commitment. I lied to people.  I spread rumors about people.  I was undisciplined about my life.  I enjoyed pornography.  I sold bootlegged music and videos.  I had a rich fantasy life, especially when it involved relationships. I became homeless, although that was a good thing for me.

 So, who am I now?  I am an advocate for those without a voice in this world.  I am a political junkie. I sell collectibles (eBay, Amazon and Discogs).  I suffer from depression, anxiety and lung issues.  I am still painfully shy, although I try not to let that control me all of the time.  I am loyal to my friends, and I try to treat everyone equally.  Most of all, I am a Christian.  God saved me from killing myself 16 years ago, as He prepared me for my next chapter of my life.  I may be classified as poor economically, but I am rich in Spirit. He has given me humility and not take credit for any good that I do.  I know that I have some God-given talents that have made me who I am, as others see me.  He has kept me alive for a reason.  That is why I am now.  And hopefully, I can continue that for Him a while longer.